With a Rock N Rollin' Retro Soul

(Source: sarabam0712)

The man that Ive been crushing on my entire fucking life is coming this weekend and I dont know where to start.

It can either go really good, or really bad. Perhaps just okay. I have no expectations. My job for the weekend is to make him happy. After all, its his birthday. Words cannot begin to describe my feelings for him.. it is just so god damn overwhelming that I just decide to hide it and lock it and never speak of it, I am not comfortable telling anyone bout it.. perhaps because I am afraid of people telling me ‘oh you are just young, there will be plenty of other ones..” “oh you are just boy crazy” “hes a douche and you dont know what you want yet” Maybe because I just dont know how to handle this situation, i dont know how to handle my emotions or express myself. Maybe because I am so fucking shy. Maybe because for once in my fucking life a guy actually has me in a grip. Maybe for once I actually LOVE a guy.

Remember when you were so little and you actually liked someone so much that you were so shy to even tell your friends? Yeah, I have that same exact feeling still… and its been years now.. I’m wondering why this feeling isnt gone.

I am known as a go-getter. I chase after what/who I want and I never EVER give up. I spoil someone until they fall for me, and I will wait YEARS to make something work. I do the impossible when I am just so in god damn fucking love with them… But see thats the problem.

The truth deep deep deep down inside my gut feeling is telling me something about this guy. Yeah weve known eachother since 4-5th lil innocent playful grade schoolers. And I know him deep down. After all of these years of going on and off.. As much as I wish to ever make things work.. I have made my decision to bring this to closure. I have endlessly been thinking months on end for this weekend to come… and put this to an end.

I’m putting this to an end because I have my priorities. because I have a problem of dropping every fucking thing and focusing on him when ever he decides to speak to me. I drop my work load, I drop the current person I am seeing, I drop my family, my friends, everything.. just for him. I wasnt kidding when I said he has me in a grip.. and I hate myself for it.

I’m putting this to an end because of his own emotions. His depression, his inner issues that he decides to just hide and completely exclude from civilization. Because he cant handle himself. Because he can become very unappreciative with his own family. Because he runs away from his problems. As much as I try to work his own problems with him, he will never act upon anything until HE decides to. I love him so much and when he just fucking storms out, and doesnt talk to me for months and comes back acting like nothing happened… seriously.. If i marry the guy, I can’t allow that shit to happen.

The fact that he has his own life in TX now, things have changed Im sure, but our feelings are still the same.. the endless skype calls and phone calls and letter writing and texting.. long distance for years.. and still havent given up on the idea of us someday being together… it puts a ball and chain affect on me…

I.. cant.. BE with someone…. knowing… he’s still in the back of my mind… and for years, ive had this ball and chain.. I want to be able to give someone a REAL chance. Ive been with 4 guys, 4 girls… and he still lingers. No guy that ive dated or have had interest has ever given me an effect like this before.. and I am just so fucking nervous… to spend an entire weekend with just him and I… alone. taking him wherever he likes. on his birthday. I am going to have to gather up every courage I have in me to just end this.

As much as I wished for this to work.. I cant allow myself to give myself to someo one who wont do the same..

Here goes nothing..

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